Couldn't
by C for Do Dur
Summary: Haruka was the only one to blame for the monumental failure at regionals. And he was so sorry. For yelling at Rin, for not finishing his race. But above everything, he was angry with himself for being so afraid.


_Free!_ does not belong to me. Neither does _High Speed!_

* * *

**_Couldn't_**

.

Nobody could have seen it coming.

After all, Sousuke had said it wouldn't have any effect on the match. He'd told Haruka not to dare to breathe a single word about it to Rin. And he'd believed him, because although it had been more than four years since the last time they'd properly talked to each other, Haruka remembered Sousuke as a trustworthy person. Even if when they had met again they hadn't had a very comfortable conversation.

Haruka noticed something was _really_ wrong when Rei passed Sousuke shortly after the turn, but it wasn't until his partner was only a few meters away from him that he became truly worried, as Sousuke was being overtaken by other swimmers, struggling not only to keep up with his rivals, but also to just keep swiming.

Haruka and Rin dove at the same time, even if that meant the redhead's team was disqualified. But Haruka didn't think about any of that as he swam; he didn't even remember he was in the middle of a race.

He could feel Rin's energy from the lane next to his, but now it wasn't about competing anymore, and both of them knew it. They swam together towards Sousuke, but it was Rin who got there first; he grabbed his friend's arm and lifted him up, but Sousuke let out a cry and pushed Rin away, clutching his shoulder.

"What… are you…" he hissed, his voice full of resentment. Haruka noticed the skin beneath his fingers was red. "We're disqualified."

Rin didn't listen to him.

"Sousuke, are you okay?" he asked, his gaze concerned. "What happens to your shoulder? Does it hurt so badly?"

His friend lowered his head as he took off his cap and goggles, looking at the water.

"I'm fine."

"You can't swim," Haruka pointed out, noticing the crippling pain that slipped into his voice.

Sousuke glared at him, gritting his teeth, but Rin put a hand on his back, slightly pushing him to walk towards the end of the lane before he could say anything.

The three of them walked through the water without saying anything more, ignoring the surprised comments from the crowd, from other swimmers. The only thing that broke their silence were Sousuke's muffled groans, as he hugged himself tighter.

.

Nobody said anything as Rin and Haruka helped Sousuke out of the pool and a bunch of physios made him sit down on a bench, checking his shoulders. Haruka walked towards his own team, but he did not dare to look at them.

There were no comforting words from Makoto, no cheerful greeting from Nagisa, no ridiculously logical commentary from Rei. They were looking at the people Sousuke was surrounded by, and at the rest of Samezuka team, that stood not too far away from their butterfly swimmer.

For a second, Haruka's gaze met Rin's, who was constantly looking around as if he was lost within the huge stadium. All the rage that he'd felt towards himself while he yelled at his friend before came back to him, mixed with the utter terror he'd tried so hard to run away from.

"We should go back to the hotel," Makoto said. Haruka turned to him, breaking eye contact with Rin, and blinked slowly; he was far too lost in his own thoughts to understand anything beyond the apprehension clinging to his heart.

Neither Gou nor teacher Amakata said anything when they met the boys. They walked together towards the hotel, letting their feelings settle down with each step.

It wasn't until Haruka and Makoto stopped before their room's door that the former made up his mind.

"Rei. Nagisa," he called. His friends stopped a few meters away and turned to him. Makoto looked at Haruka, too.

"What is it, Haruka-sempai? Is something wrong?"

Yes, it was. _Everything_ was wrong. Not a single thing was in its place.

"I'm sorry." Haruka bowed before them, looking at the floor. "For not finishing my race and getting us disqualified in the relay. And… And for shouting, too. I'm sorry." His voice got quieter and quieter with each word, and he wasn't sure that they had heard the last thing he was apologizing for.

"It's okay, Haru." Makoto was the one who spoke first.

"Yeah," Nagisa agreed, smiling for the first time since Haruka had yelled at Rin as his eyes lit up. "We're not angry, are we?"

"Besides, it isn't as if you should have let Yamazaki-san there, either," Rei added. His smile wasn't as bright as usual, but it was sincere and it hurt Haruka.

"We all need some rest," Makoto said, opening the room's door. Nagisa and Rei waved them goodbye as they walked to their bedroom.

Haruka dropped on his bed and closed his eyes, trying not to remember again what had happened today. He felt embarrassed; he'd let _everyone_ see his absolute failure at the race, notice all his weaknesses and fears, and then he had hurt Rin by shouting half-truths in the cruellest way possible. And there were his friends, trying to encourage him when he didn't deserve anything kinder than their anger. He would have felt better if they'd have told him how disappointed they were.

"Haru, are you asleep?"

Haruka opened his eyes, but he didn't look at Makoto. Instead, he focused on a little spider that walked on the white ceiling.

"No."

"Earlier, what you told Rin…" Makoto trailed off, and Haruka knew his friend was looking at him, waiting for some sign that told him that it was a good idea. Haruka didn't move. "You didn't mean that."

Haruka clenched his teeth. He didn't want to upset Makoto, the same way he had never wanted to upset Rin. Fortunately, Makoto wasn't Rin. It was easier to told him everything was okay even if it wasn't; it was what they'd done since they were kids.

He vaguely acknowledged his heart beating faster, in sync with his overflowing feelings.

"I don't know," he whispered, and it wasn't after it was said that he realized how true his words were.

He didn't know a thing. He remembered a time when he had an idea about what he would do when he finished high school, but the scouts, the pressure, all the comments about how swimming professionally was what he _must_ do had turned the dream into a nightmare, had made him forget why he'd ever wished that. He didn't want to do anything because people told him to, but it was what he'd been doing lately, what it seemed he would do if he accepted being scouted.

He was afraid that swimming competitively would make him lose himself, and he was disgusted with himself for being scared.

His heart thumped loudly in his chest, his throat, his eardrums, and Haruka couldn't stand it anymore.

"I'm going for a jog," he informed Makoto, standing up quickly. He stormed out of the room before his friend could say anything.

.

It was long after the sky had gone dark when Haruka felt like heading back to the hotel.

He was exhausted; he'd been running for hours, stopping only when he felt he couldn't breathe anymore; he'd put his hands on his knees, take some minutes to catch his breath, and start running again, trying to stop thinking.

It ended up working. Haruka doubted he could even move the following day, but he was too tired for the fear to come back as he dragged his feet back to the hotel. He sat on a bench on a park next to the building, looking up at the sky as he felt the wind playing with his hair.

"Oh, Haru-chan, you're here!"

Haruka turned his head to the voice. He spotted Nagisa running to him, his usual smile shaking a bit on his face.

"What are you doing here?" he asked absentmindedly.

"Mako-chan said you'd gone for a jog, so I wanted to run too," Nagisa explained, sitting beside him.

Haruka knew there was something more Nagisa wanted to tell him when his friend didn't say anything for a whole minute.

"Let it out," he mumbled.

"We've seen Rin-chan earlier," Nagisa said. His smile vanished. "He's very angry because Sou-chan didn't tell him he wasn't okay."

It didn't take a lot of effort to Haruka to picture it: Rin raising his voice and gesticulating wildly because it was his instinctive way to show concern about others.

He had been like that with him, too.

Deep down, Haruka knew that Rin didn't want just for him to become a professional swimmer; he was sure Rin cared about _him_, just like the rest of his friends did. Right now, however, he was still too overwhelmed by his own worries to acknowledge that truth.

"I couldn't," he found himself saying.

"Huh?"

"Swim." Haruka couldn't keep looking at Nagisa in the eye. "I wanted to, I _tried_. But I couldn't keep swimming. The water didn't accept me and it felt like drowning and I just… I had to stop."

Nagisa bit his lower lip for a few seconds, then his worried expression turned into a little smile.

"When I was little, Nanako-nee-chan told me that everyone needs to stop at some point." Haruka looked up at his friend again. "But she also said that it's up to you if it's forever or if you're just taking a break to keep going forward," Nagisa added. He scratched the back of his head, blushing slightly.

Haruka tilted his head, letting his friend's words sink in for the first time since his breakdown. He didn't know how Nagisa did it, when he himself hadn't known what he needed to hear, but somehow it made him feel a bit better, less upset and less afraid.

Nagisa's stomach grumbled, forcing Haruka to go back to reality.

"Are you hungry?"

Nagisa nodded.

"Truth is, we were thinking about going somewhere to have dinner and we were looking for you," Nagisa admitted, standing up. "Do you want to come?"

"As long as I get mackerel."

Neither of them said anything when they got into the hotel, nor when the elevator took them to the floor their rooms were in. It was only when Haruka stopped before his door and heard Nagisa's footsteps that he found the words he'd been wanting to say:

"Nagisa."

His friend looked at him. "What?"

"Thank you."

* * *

_Author's notes_: The main reason I wrote this is that almost everything I've read about Haruka's breakdown was shippy (either RinHaru or Makoharu) and I'm kind of angry about that. I mean, I love RinHaru, but Haruka is his own character and I wanted to read about _him_, not about how he has make-up sex with Rin or refuses to go pro 'cause he's so in love with Makoto. Oh, and because I love Haruka and Nagisa's friendship and everyone forgets them too quickly.

/rant off.

Anyway, what do you think about it?


End file.
